Allyson Fralish and her family moved to Charleston from Atlanta five years ago. She was never a big drinker, but suddenly it was as if she and her husband were always in vacation mode. Happy hour or not, just about every activity included drinking.
On Jan. 1, 2019, Fralish looked at her husband and said, “What if we gave up drinking for all of 2019?” He was on board, so the two spent the year declining offers for a glass of wine and realizing the benefits of being sober.
“I gained 30 pounds when we moved here,” Fralish says. “Once I stopped drinking, I lost weight and I feel healthier than I ever have. I sleep better. I’m happier. My skin is better. There have been a lot of benefits. I don’t want to go back to that.”
While Fralish says she enjoys a nice glass of wine, she doesn’t plan to drink much in 2020. She’ll reserve the wine for a special occasion and not just a regular Friday night. And with three children at home, including two teenagers, Fralish says it’s good for her kids to see that not every event needs alcohol. You can have fun and be fun without drinking, she says.
A year of solid sobriety has put alcohol into perspective for this Isle of Palms mom.
“We were getting to the point where we were stopping by the grocery store and picking up a bottle of wine,” she says. “It’s better for our budget, waistline, health, family — all around it’s just been better. We won’t go back to picking up wine just because it’s the weekend.”
Daniel Island mom Christina Sokolowski put her health on the front burner in 2019, as well. And she knew her commitment to self-care wouldn’t include alcohol.
At the beginning of 2019, Sokolowski realized she hadn’t felt great since her son was born six years earlier. Ready for a change, Sokolowski booked an appointment with a functional medicine specialist.
“I was trying to be the best version of myself,” she says. “It’s a daily journey of exercise, diet, the right supplements, a proper skin care routine, mindfulness practices, faith and healthy relationships. I refused to sabotage that process with alcohol.”
In the years following the birth of her son, Sokolowski struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, migraine headaches, weight gain, trouble sleeping and gut disturbances. Alcohol just exacerbated all those issues.
Sokolowski isn’t 100 percent sober. She might have a drink every couple of months, but alcohol is not a part of her everyday life. And while others might be surprised when she declines a glass a wine, Sokolowski is perfectly fine with her choice.
“It’s just been part of my personal process for regaining my health,” she says.
A sobriety movement
These moms are part of a larger movement called “sober curious,” in which people explore life without alcohol. Others are going “sober sometimes” by cutting back on alcohol consumption. It doesn’t necessarily mean they have a diagnosed addiction, but they may be wondering if two glasses of wine on a random Tuesday evening is necessary. Others want to feel healthy or eliminate a morning fog brought on by overindulging the night before.
This trend is popular on social media where @sobergirlsociety on Instagram has more than 63,000 followers and @sobernation has more than 37,000 followers. In 2019, author Ruby Warrington published a book titled “Sober Curious” and has a podcast of the same name.
The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has created a website called “Rethinking Drinking” with tools and resources for people to evaluate their drinking habits and how they are affecting their health.
For moms, in particular, drinking has become a cultural norm. We’ve all seen the memes with “mommy juice” or the TV show where mom grabs a bottle of wine to deal with the stresses of the day. In Charleston, food and alcohol are celebrated. Warm summer days equal a cold beer. Neighborhood block parties mean a stocked Yeti cooler.
Escaping alcohol isn’t always easy.
‘Is this normal?’
Nicole Gordon moved to Mount Pleasant about 18 months ago. Her first week in her new neighborhood, she drove past the community center and noticed a bunch of people in suits. She popped into the morning meeting to check it out.
“There was a mimosa bar, and it was a Tuesday,” she says. “At first I thought, ‘This is awesome.’ And then, I thought, ‘Is this normal?’ It seems everyone is looking for a reason to drink every day.”
Gordon and her husband have three kids ages 7, 3 and 1. When they moved here from New Jersey, they joked about drinking and eating their way through Charleston. Turns out, that joke had a ring of truth.
In her neighborhood, people drink at the swimming pool. Halloween means candy for the kids and booze pops for the parents. Conversations revolve around what kind of alcohol people are bringing to a party.
Gordon says she thinks some of Charleston’s alcohol-infused culture is a result of so many new people moving into the area. People are looking for a sense of community and are eager to meet their neighbors.
“The easiest way to meet people is to have a little social lubricant,” she says.
But is there a point where moms take drinking too far?
Working in the mortgage industry, Gordon often goes to open houses on the weekends to connect with area real estate agents. Several months ago, her daughter, 6 at the time, asked about her work and Gordon showed her a photo of $4 million home she was planning to visit on the Isle of Palms. Her daughter wanted to go along, so Gordon promised to take her to an open house the following Sunday.
The next weekend came, and Gordon went out on Saturday night. Too little food and too much alcohol left her feeling terrible the next morning.
“I was so sick on Sunday,” she says. “I had so much guilt.”
She had to tell her daughter they wouldn’t be going to the open house and she explained — in as simplest terms as possible — that drinking too much can make people sick and how overindulging can impact your life.
“I thought it was important for me to be super honest about that,” Gordon says.
People are concerned about the damaging or violent behavior of an alcoholic, but no one’s complaining about the mom who drank too much on a Saturday and couldn’t fulfill a commitment to her child.
“Being super moody and irritable with your children or hung over in the morning is a terrible thing and people don’t talk about it,” she says.
For 2020, Gordon has set of goal of not drinking during the week. It will be tough. As someone who is constantly looking to meet new people for her mortgage business and her growing podcast “Meeting Charleston,” it’s easy to network over a cocktail or glass of wine.
Plus, there’s the peer pressure. If she turns down a drink, people automatically ask if she’s pregnant.
This idea of drinking and being sober curious has popped up in her network and circle of friends.
“It’s a huge topic of conversation,” Gordon says. “At what point are we taking it too far?”
Exploring your reason for drinking
Elli Richter is a transformational coach and partner at Still Soul Studio on King Street. Over the last couple of years, she’s seen more people question what it would be like to live without alcohol. In October she hosted a four-week Sober Curious Course at Still Soul Studio.
Seven people showed up and took the challenge to abstain from drinking for a month. There was no judgement, just support as the women explored their relationship with alcohol, Richter says. Was it a soft dependency? Was it something they did mindlessly? Was it societal conditioning?
The course was such a success, Richter is planning another course in February. (Check stillsoulstudio.com for dates and details.)
Richter says being sober curious allows people to step back and look at what’s really going on in their lives and why they might be using alcohol as a way to “check out.”
“When you do something out of curiosity and experiment with your mental health, notice how you feel and pay more attention to that,” Richter says. “I think you’ll get a lot more out of it. You’ll definitely feel different. You’ll experience something new.” LCP