Ex-etiquette: Red flags on sleeping-arrangement dispute
My grandson is 10 years old. His father, who lives with me, and his mother split his time equally. He goes back and forth every three or four days. When he’s here, he sleeps in his own room and does fine. He sleeps with his mother in her bed when he’s with her, even though he has his own room at her house. I just don’t think it’s good for my grandson. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. There are quite a few red flags associated with your question. Here are just a few…
One, you’re the grandparent, not the parent, and even though you’re probably helping to raise this child, you must be mindful not to overstep your bounds. It’s a tenuous position that requires finely tuned communication skills. Support the parent’s decisions, but don’t try to run the show. (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents rule #4)
Two, most parents welcome their child into their bed at some point — nightmares, possibly vacations, and in many cultures, co-sleeping is the norm. However, in the U.S., the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that even babies do not sleep in the parental bed, but in a bassinet or some other sleeping arrangement near the parents so that they can feed or comfort the baby when necessary.
More than that, however, what makes this situation of concern, is that the parents don’t live together and do not have a meeting of the minds on how to approach the sleeping arrangement. The difference in approach could be confusing to the child, and when things are this vastly different, it asks a child to choose.
If the child is made to feel awkward at either home and if the grandparent is also constantly weighing in, the child will feel especially torn. It will create anxiety around going to bed (time that is supposed to be relaxing) and the child will eventually gravitate to one home over the other.
Third, the bedtime ritual helps a child learn to be independent. Being afraid of the dark, alligators under the bed, tigers in the closet, are all things that many children imagine and with the proper parental guidance learn to overcome. Sleeping with a parent on a regular basis may interfere with the child’s ability to self sooth, something that should be mastered well before age 10.
Fourth, perhaps one of the most important things to watch for: If you sleep with your child on a regular basis, then ask them to sleep somewhere else because you have met a new partner, you’re putting your child and partner in direct competition with one another and possibly sabotaging their future relationship. Sleeping together is a very intimate act and it would not be uncommon if the child reasoned, “Mommy (or Daddy) likes him (or her) better because now that he (or she) is here, I can’t sleep with Mommy or Daddy anymore.”
Finally, parents who live separately must guard against looking to their child for their emotional comfort. Parents must ask themselves, “Is this for me or for my child? We must always remember to “put the children first.” (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule #1)
That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
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