With kids at home for more than six months and uncertainty about jobs, our health and so much more, parents are going through a lot as the COVID-19 pandemic continues. Chief among those concerns, for many, is their kids’ education.
Julie Bullock sees it at a personal level and a professional one. She and her husband are raising two girls, ages 6 and 3, in Clayton. And, for about 10 years, she’s worked as a child and family therapist for Growing Child Pediatrics, a Duke Health practice.
Bullock will be speaking at two events for working moms this week — one in-person at a coffee shop in Holly Springs with limited capacity and the other virtual — about the stress parents are facing right now with schooling and how to navigate it. The events are organized by Restored, a local community for working moms.
“Our goal is to help moms understand how they can help their kids and family cope with school, provide helpful resources and remember that they’re still great moms even when balls drop or things feel out of their control,” Stephanie Llorente, the mom behind Restored, tells me.
I checked in with Bullock to get some tips to help parents navigate these tough times and find out more about this week’s events. Here’s a Q&A.
Go Ask Mom: These are really hard times, and parents are frazzled as they try to juggle everything, including school, whether it’s virtual, homeschool or in-person school. What are you hearing from families right now?
Julie Bullock: Frazzled is a good word. Families are under a lot of pressure right now, Things seem more difficult because they are!
What I hear most right now is that families feel overwhelmed, frustrated and confused, which is mostly about school planning. Parents understand that these are unique circumstances and want to be understanding and patient. At the same time, they find it difficult to keep up and manage their personal level of overwhelm – even while acknowledging that we’re all in this together.
This can be especially true for families with older kids in a virtual school setting when it comes to keeping up with what’s due and when it’s due. For example, I spoke with a parent last week who said their child received 77 emails in one day – and they weren’t exaggerating. Early middle schoolers can’t be expected to manage a series of emails from six different teachers at 12-years-old because it’s not developmentally appropriate to assess emails, add things to calendars and maintain a high level of organization. I know I sure wasn’t that organized at 12! So, the school management function falls to parents, along with their daily work and typical responsibilities. It’s a lot, and that’s just one small example.
The beautiful piece of this is that parents deeply want to support their children and help them succeed. They’re unsure of how to do that while navigating uncharted territory without a lot of checks and balances in place – and that can create a personal sense of uncertainty.
GAM: There are points when parents can get so frustrated with their kids. And that may be even more heightened now that we’re home and juggling so much. What’s a great strategy for parents to use to calm themselves down in those moments?
JB: I have a few go-to strategies that I love sharing with parents, and even use them myself to help manage my overwhelm.
Manage Expectations: This season has been especially difficult for the Type A parent who is used to being organized and having it all together. This season doesn’t allow for that. We need to set reasonable expectations for ourselves, our children and our spouses, then communicate those expectations clearly so that when they’re missed or met, we can assess and move forward.
Max-Mod-Min: This theory, created by Julie Morgenstern in her book “Time to Parent,” is a great strategy to combat overwhelm. Basically, you address one task at a time and determine your maximum capacity, minimum capacity and what the moderate outcome looks like. A great example might be providing food to celebrate a child’s birthday. Your minimum capacity could be to purchase a generic store-bought cake. Your maximum capacity might be to bake a cake from scratch. Your moderate capacity might be to purchase a specialty cake from the child’s favorite bakery or ask a family member to help create a special cake. Many parents are prone to perfectionism (max capacity) – but everyone’s in tears by supper. The key is managing your time and energy around the task at hand and understanding that any of the max-mod-min options are perfectly acceptable and still make you a great mom.
I’m planning to expand on these tips and talk through some additional game-changing strategies, like better, but believable statements, with a community of working moms later this week.
GAM: A lot of local school districts are returning to the classroom at some level starting this month or next. Many parents are excited about it, but some parents are anxious, worried their kids might get sick. How can parents deal with their anxiety about their kids going back to school in a healthy and productive way?
JB: This can be a tough one. The short answer is that you have to do what’s best for your child and your family, then you need to accept whatever that truth is and eliminate any guilt associated with it. For example, if your child has a diabetes or asthma, there’s a good chance you may feel uncomfortable sending your child to school. So, it’s important to pick an option, appreciate that it’s the best option for the season of life you’re in right now, put blinders on and replace any anxious or negative thoughts with truth.
For example, if you feel the best option is to send your child to in-person school, but you feel anxious about that, it could be helpful to remind yourself of the truth: The school system and its administrators are not on a mission to endanger my child. They want to keep my child and their staff healthy, and they are taking measures to do just that.
As for managing your child’s anxiety, we are their best example of how to manage emotions, so modeling healthy coping behaviors will also help them move in the right direction.
GAM: What have you found helpful for yourself as a mom during these past six or seven months to steady yourself?
JB: Let me be the first to tell you that I’m just like every other mom. I’ve cried in the closet. I’ve lost my temper. I’ve been irritated at the social shifts. So, I’m really having to practice what I preach.
The thing that’s been most impactful for me is remaining intentionally connected to my own community so that I don’t lose perspective. That sense of community is important, but it was threatened during the beginning of quarantine. So, here we are dealing with one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to work through – alone. But, we weren’t made for that! We were made to be in community with others. Staying connected is something we may feel a twinge of guilt about, but it’s a form of necessary self-care and we’ll burn out without it. We’re just not meant to carry the weight of all that’s going on in isolation, even if that isolation is physically protective.
GAM: You’ll be talking about many of these issues and more later this week. Tell us about the event and how to get involved.
JB: Yes! I’ll be speaking at two Restored events specifically focused on working moms Thursday Oct. 8 and Friday Oct. 9. The first event is an in-person gathering at a cute little coffee and gift shop called Thanks A Latte in Holly Springs, and the second is a virtual event with similar content. Both will be fun, informative and encouraging.
I’ll be talking in detail about strategies the whole family can implement to help with overwhelm and frustration related to school stress. I’ll also share helpful, trusted resources moms can lean into and be available to answer questions. I’m really looking forward to spending time with this group – not only to share helpful knowledge, but again, to foster that sense of community that we all need and deserve.
Go Ask Mom features local moms every Monday.