By Mari Selby— 

Maya Angelou: I say, It’s in the reach of my arms, The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman. That’s me.

It’s in women’s genes how to spoon the medicine down gently, be tender with our touch, and listen with our whole bodies, not just our ears. Especially now during this time of great social upheaval we must become women who listen to our own needs and desires, and meet them with tenderness and grace. We deserve the tender touch, the listening ear and the gentle medicine. To be tender towards ourselves and learn self-care can be a great challenge for some souls, let alone knowing what gives us joy. And considering we are in a global pandemic, there is trauma and mental stress that comes with that reality. Because of the pandemic it’s vital that we take care of ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically. Our bodies are taking in more than we realize. 

No matter whether we are just learning self-care (while balancing a child on one hip or have a demanding career) we can take our first steps in being gentler with ourselves. We can begin the process of learning self-care through books, going to seminars, choosing different friends, attending 12 Step programs or seeing a therapist. We don’t have to chart the way alone. We don’t have to jump into being spiritual activists; we can take time to nurture ourselves, time to give ourselves the listening ear, and the tender touch. Giving ourselves time, in of itself, can be a radical act. 

Self-care has never been more important. Here are some of self-care tips for these uncertain times:

1.   Remember, it’s okay to take time to do things for yourself.

Find moments to go on a walk, bake, paint, write in a journal, dance in your kitchen, find books that inspire your creativity. For instance, gardening is my summer self-care activity. Ask your spouse to take a turn with the kids. During your lunch break watch and participate in a yoga class. We all have time for self-care, we just have to make it real.

 2. Find what brings you joy.

While we are in this space where a lot has been taken away, disrupted, and put on pause, there is even more of a reason to find joy in life, especially in the smallest and most mundane aspects of life. All of these things give me joy today – watching birds feed on the feeders, talking to friends on Zoom, walking my dogs and helping people through their pain.

3.   Make your self-care routine consistent and intentional.

It’s easy in the day-to-day of quarantine, with so much time spent at home, to put off taking care of yourself. Make working-out part of a daily routine. Some days that work-out may look like an online class of some sort, a dance video on YouTube, or a walk around the block at sunset. Yoga and my dog keep me moving. 

Learning to be a complete and whole woman has been a lifelong journey. How I do self-care, listen to my intuition, and act creatively may look very different to you, the reader. The rage I feel towards injustice in the world circles around and preys on my heart. And often stops me from performing my daily self-care. I am learning to take my anger and transform it through creativity. In an effort to distill words into the creative intelligence of wrath I write poetry, blogs and essays. When I am tender and respectful of myself it’s easier for me to be creative. And with that creativity I can be a more effective spiritual activist; someone who makes a difference in all she does. And that makes me happy! 

Maybe you work on daily self-care and are also hungry to make a difference in your world? Maybe you are asking how can we be tender towards ourselves while being fierce in our determination to stand up for ourselves? Who are our role models for creating a new story, a new balance of grace and wrath? 

One of my role models today for this blend of tenderness and creative wrath is found in the TV show “All Rise” with the character of Judge Lola Carmichael, played by Simone Missick. Lola is an idealistic former prosecutor who became one of the first black women appointed to be a Judge of the Los Angeles County Superior Court. Lola doesn’t sit back on the bench in her new role. Instead she leans in, immediately pushing the boundaries and challenging the expectations of what a judge can be: she disrupts the men’s judge club and upsets the district attorney’s expectations. Lola does all this with grace, humor and care for those she works with and those on trial before her. 

We are not TV characters with someone else providing the written script. We must find our way to be a woman who meets her needs with tenderness and grace. Fortunately, we are not alone in this journey. We follow in the footsteps of friends who treat themselves tenderly, and those spiritual activists who have gone before us. Each day there are more women who are taking the first steps in learning self-care and who want to know joy. As we find our joy, treat ourselves with grace and respect we can truly say, “Now, that I can care for myself, I want to make a difference around me.” Where are you in the process of learning self-care? Imagine yourself, today, a woman who treats herself with respect, tenderness and Grace. Imagine yourself as a Phenomenal Woman.  

Mari Selby is a family therapist, the director of Selby Ink and author of Lightning Strikes Twice. Look for Mari S Selby on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter @selbyink.